Happy Mothers Day! Thank You for My Legs
This installment is dedicated to my mom. In the spirit of love and forgiveness, I felt it necessary to wish my mother a happy Mother's Day. A wish that is about 40 years overdue and here's why.
I became somewhat estranged with my mother for reasons I won't go into at this time, but let's just say, she would never win any mother-of-the-year awards. If anything I felt abandoned by her and after years of resentment and disdain, we became estranged. I stopped calling her on birthdays, Christmas, and of course Mother's Day. I considered forgiveness, but the act of simply saying I forgive you just didn't seal the deal for me. This forgiving had to have some meaning, some gratitude. Since Mothers Day is fast approaching, I thought I would express my forgiveness in an anecdote. One that was a hard lesson that I needed to learn so that I could really love and appreciate who my mother is and the blessing she unwittingly passed down me. So without further ado, please enjoy!
My mother used to say, "I wish I had dancers legs." I didn't really know what she meant by that, but something about what she said resonated with me. I think it was the first time in my life where I actually became aware of my body and the curiosity of what made my legs different from a dancer's legs. But, if mom wanted them, then I wanted them. If you have seen a dancers legs, then you know how beautiful, long, lean, and sculpted they are. I could see why she wanted them so badly. My mother's legs were not even close to dancer's legs. She didn't work out, she had varicose veins among other body issues we as women must combat every day. When I compared my mother's legs to a dancers' legs, I knew her dream would fall short. I felt bad. I loved my mother very much and I wanted to help her. I thought, "It may be too late for her, but it's not too late for me", so I felt it my duty to carry on what my awesome friend Annie calls "the leg-acy." Consequently, the empath in me took over and, not realizing it at the time, would have an adverse effect on my body image and attempt to block me from reaching my dream.
As I grew older, and my body developed, I noticed that I had inherited my mother's legs. They were not very shapely, I was knock-kneed, I had cellulite, I bruised easily, and I noticed signs of varicosity. I began to lose focus on my desire to have dancers' legs and began living with depression which developed into Body Dysmorphic Disorder. If you are not familiar, BDD is a mental illness involving obsessive focus on a perceived flaw in appearance. I took up an obsessive preoccupation with women's legs, comparing their perfect, smooth, shape, to my fat, veiny, crooked legs. I felt as if it was hopeless. My legs would never be that beautiful and I felt destined to have unsightly legs for the rest of my life. So, I hid them; never letting them see the light of day unless I was alone or I felt brave enough to go out in public which was not very often. I would cry when I saw my reflection. My depression about my legs worsened because I was, in essence, stuck with my legs and because well, how do you fight genetics? Just another reason to resent my mother. It took several years, but thankfully, something pretty remarkable happened.
On a routine trip to my chiropractor on a random day at a random time, my chiropractor was working on my feet and she said, "Were you a dancer?" I said, "No, why?" She said, "because you have feet like a ballerina." All of a sudden a flash of memory came to me about my dancer's legs and I thought how interesting that my feet looked like dancer's feet. I put the thought aside and a few years later, a friend asked me if I had been a dancer. I said "no", and she replied, "you have dancers feet". I felt that familiar, strong resonance within my body. Dancers feet? What do they look like? So I looked at pictures, watched some videos and I noticed that they have a particular shape which I"m sure comes from years of conditioning. Did I have a dancer's feet? If so how did I get them? I do not come from a long line of dancers that's for sure. Whether or not they actually looked like dancer's feet, I didn't care. It was clear to me that I was receiving validation that there was a dancer somewhere inside of me. It was not too long after that, that I kept getting more and more synchronicities. When I entered the world of the metaphysical and my sensitivities were becoming stronger, even more synchronicities would start to present themselves and my legs began to take shape.
I guess you could say that I felt there was a ballerina inside of me. I hadn't quite learned about spirit guides yet, but I did have my faith in GOD and some innate knowledge that I was different somehow. Whenever I was having a hard time in life, I would pray for an answer. I had no reason to doubt that this one particular prayer would be answered. It changed my life and convinced me right then and there, that in this life since I wasn't a ballerina, I definitely had one guiding me. Read on!
It was a beautiful summer day on a hiking trip when one very random yet synchronistic occurrence took place. It was at one of my favorite spots in the Foothills of Mountain View where I would go to clear my head and get a bit of exercise. As usual, I brought my playlist to keep me company. I was having a particularly troubling day. I was depressed and wondering as I often did, "what am I doing with my life?" As I attempted to walk off the negativity, I said a prayer. Not sure why, but the ballerina popped into my head and I started thinking about her. I saw her dancing, lifting, flying. Right at that moment, Ballerina Girl by Lionel Richie started to play. After almost passing out from shock, and crying my eyes out because the answer came so beautifully. I had no doubt in my mind that it was a message. I was loved by GOD and that one small sentence spoken by my mother all those years ago would resonate so loudly on that hiking trip, that I knew I had a mission not to just have dancer's legs, but to dance. How was I going to do that? My prayer, in fact, was answered, but how it would play out, well that is another story. Please read further.
For your viewing pleasure
Ballerina Girl - Lionel Richie
About 2 and a half years ago I finally got it in my head that I am going to work on my legs. No matter what I saw, no matter what "horrors" awaited, I decided that I was just going to confront it and love them anyway. I hated working out. I wasn't dedicated enough so I knew I had to find something fun, that I wouldn't give up on, but that was also an intense workout.
At a yard sale one day, I purchased a hula hoop. I felt drawn to it and I thought "this is a great place to start my new workout venture". I knew hula hooping was great for the core, but it wasn't till I really got into it, that I realized, it wasn't just hooping-it was dancing! I took the hoop home, placed mirrors in my living room, moved furniture aside, and started to "work out". It took on a life of its own and I noticed that a lot of the movements I was creating were very ballet-ish. Even though I'm not versed in ballet (never held an interest), I seemed to know instinctively what I was doing. I then began introducing tap steps, jazz moves, some salsa! I was becoming a dancer! My dancer's legs would finally materialize. This had to be a divine gift! So, I braved my flaws. I acknowledged them; examined them. At that moment, I decided to ignore my BDD and honor my intent I made all those years ago. Since recognizing that I had a ballerina as a guide, I began to wonder where she came from and why she resonated with me so much. I have since developed a Hula Hoop work out called #HoopBalance that uses yoga stretching, dancing, and of course, hula hooping. I feel like this is what she's been trying to communicate and that I am fulfilling a grand destiny. It is now something that is an integral part of my life as I am not using it just to get fit, but to heal as well. My mother's wish has carried me through some rough times helping me see that if I want beautiful, strong, sculpted ballerina legs, I could have them. I feel like somewhere in that brief moment in time, the "ballerina" was communicating and perhaps the message was meant for me and only me. Dancing was not a priority in my mother's life, but somehow it is a priority in mine, and little did I know, that it would help shape my career and touch many people's lives.
A Thank You Note on Mothers Day
I finally understand what "birthright" means. To me, it means whatever resonates with you is validation that whatever is coming through is yours by ancient and divine right. Every single one of us can access it if we choose to accept our mission. I now understand that that one small moment has prepared me for the gifts I would use to continue to heal not only myself but my clients as well. I used to be resentful of my mother's lineage, but not anymore. What I inherited was not only from her but from a long line of ballerina's waiting to be set free. I am proud of that and I will always be grateful.
Thank you, mom. I love my legs, flaws, and all. Thank you, ballerina, for showing yourself to me through my mother. HAPPY MOTHERS DAY!
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Thank you all and have a Happy Mother's Day!